Saturday, January 20, 2007

Language Efficiency

I saw this in the Writing Center and thought it was awesome. I'm pretty sure it's not true. However, it's a killer typing exercise. Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. Eurpoean officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult-- for example, cough, plough, rough, through, and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies. The program would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would reseive this news with joy. Then, the hard "c" could be replaced by "k," since both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when, in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f." This would make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e's" in the languag is disgrasful. Therfor, we kold drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim, it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z." Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v," vitsh is, after al, half a "w." Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kuld be dropd from vords kontaining "ou." Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no more trubls, difikultis, and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali have kum tru.

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